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天使ママでもちゃんと前に進める。4年経つ今伝えたいこと。

天使ママでもちゃんと前に進める。4年経つ今伝えたいこと。

田中美帆(@tanaka__miho)です。

 

このブログには、My Happiness Rule(マイハピネスルール) から一部抜粋して不定期でお届けしています。

今回、それらの記事タイトルに【天使ママ】を加えることにしました。

 

【天使ママ】という言葉には賛否両論あるみたいで、【天使ママ うざい】【天使ママ 違和感】など、ネット内には否定的な意見もあります。

それも知った上でタイトルに付け加えることを決めた理由、想いを今日は書きたいと思います。

 

みなさんは、【天使ママ】という言葉をご存知ですか?

 

みなさんは、【天使ママ】という言葉を聞いたことがありますか?

お腹の中やお産の際に、この世に生を受けることが出来なかった子どもを授かったお母さん(ママ)のことを言うそうです。

私の娘haruは、生後179日(0歳5ヵ月)に肺静脈狭窄症でこの世を去りました。

あの頃は、必死にネットでいろんな情報を求めていました。

同じ境遇の方を探したり、病名を調べたり・・・
どう向き合えばいいのか、今自分に何が起きていてどうしたらいいのかさえよくわからず、なんだか現実じゃないような気持ちにもなってたな・・・。

 

そんな時に、【天使ママ】という言葉があることを知りました。

 

同じような境遇の方のブログや発信に出会いたい時、一番の手がかりは【天使ママ】という言葉でした。

【他界】や【死】という言葉は出来るなら口に出したくないし、検索もしたくない。

それをやんわりと間接的な表現で表したのが【天使ママ】という言葉だと思っています。

だから、私は天使ママという言葉に対して好きでも嫌いでもなくて、必要としている方に伝える手段だと思っています。

 

その理由から、
約4年前、必死に何かを求めネットを彷徨っていた私のような方に言葉を届けたいから【天使ママ】をタイトルに入れました。

タイトルに入れることで検索した時に表示されやすくなりますので、私を知らない方にも声を届けられるます。

 

私が天使ママに伝えたいこと。

娘がお空へ戻った時、私は31歳でした。

周りに同じ経験をした人はいません。
周りどころか、そうゆう話を聞いたこともなかった。

だから、必死にネット検索していました。

私だけじゃないんだって思いたかったのかもしれません。どこか、安心したかったのかもしれません。

知り合いじゃなくても〝理解しあえる存在〟に出会いたかったのかもしれません。

 

私がマイハピネスルールを書いた理由はここになります。

同じような境遇の方に届けたい。

「私はこうやって生きています。少しづつだけどこうやって前を向き始めてるからあなたも大丈夫だよ!」って伝えたかったから。

 

子どもを亡くすって、すごくデリケートなことで安易に話せることじゃないんです。

たったひとつの言葉の言い回しで傷ついたりもします。

だから、私は、一人の時にゆっくりと読める本やブログ(ネット)はすごく救いになりました。

 

最近は、娘のことをブログに書くことも少なくなったけど、それは忘れているからではなく〝いることが当たり前〟だと受け入れられているから。

最初は、娘の生きた証をこの世に残したい。消えないでほしい。こんなに一生懸命生きたんだから。ここにちゃんと存在してるんだから。
って、もう必死でした。

 

自分の中からもこの世からも消えないようにって。

 

でも、今、3年たって、消えるわけがないことがわかったからもがく必要がなくなりました。

消えないし、ずっといるし、ずっと家族だし、いつも笑ってる。

きっと赤ちゃんはまた来てくれる。

娘がお空に戻り、しばらくしてから弟が生まれました。

おかげさまで元気すぎるくらいの男の子です!

正直、出産までは不安で不安でいっぱいでした。
不安を口に出すと現実になりそうなので、あまり口にはしていませんでしたが。

生まれた後、先生から「元気な男の子だよ!」と言われた時は全身のチカラが抜けるくらい安堵の気持ちでした。

 

その方その方でいろいろな状況があるので簡単には言えませんが、もし赤ちゃんを望まれているなら諦めないでください!

赤ちゃんを諦める選択と元気に産んであげる!と心に決める選択。

私は、元気に絶対産んであげたい!と心に決めました。

 

息子は毎晩、娘の写真に「おやすみ!」を言ってから寝室に行きます。

この間、「haruちゃんわかる?」って聞いたら「ねぇねのこと?」と言っていてびっくりしました。

haruは、永遠の0歳なので写真も全部赤ちゃん。

この間まで息子に「haruちゃんはyuのおねえちゃんなんだよ!」って言っても「ちがう!赤ちゃん!」って言っていたのですが(笑)

彼なりに少しづつわかり始めてるみたいです。

こんな感じで我が家は、永遠の0歳の娘と共に一緒に生きています。

 

お空にいる娘とは、人生を全うした後に絶対会えるのでそれまではせっかく与えてもらったこの人生を楽しもうと決めています。

娘の分まで生きる!なんて大きなことは言えないけど、娘と一緒に生きる!そんな感じです。

 

人生ってほんと、いろんなことがありますね。
でも大丈夫。ちゃんと受け入れて進めば道は見えてきます。

お読みいただきありがとうございました!

 

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